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lyrics

I reside
In a horrid little penthouse in the sky
With an arm chair, a bed and kitchenette
It's altogether quite inadequate
But sometimes after dinner on a tray
I pose myself a question oh let's say
Who would I become?

My name would be Delaney
And I'd live above the Strand
I'd be a famous author
Other authors cannot stand
For I would use the kind of language
Other people never really understand

But old Delaney's not the type to rest - oh heaven's no!
For I would also be a famous impresario
And all my plays would feature starlets I would bed
But never really get to know

If I could be
If I could be
If I could be
If I could be the man I really want to be...

But "no", he sighs
Through his yellowed teeth and accusing little eyes
"You're rent is nearly three months in arrears"
As he slides the pencil back behind his ear
Then huffs as I come up with something lame
Whilst thinking "if you really knew the name
Of whom I would become"

I'd kill him with his rent book
Dance the polka on his grave
And with the poxy ninety quid a week that I would save
Then I would buy his ugly wife to be my dutiful my ever-loving slave
That would feel good!

And when one of my starlets turns me in to the police
I'll instantly outfox the judge and he'll have to release
Me back into my high society which only will increase
My public fame
They'll know my name

If I could be
If I could be
If I could only be
if I could be the man I really want to be...

But be on guard
For Delaney may go hunting after dark
For other thieving landlords on the heath
Perhaps I'd start to kill them with my teeth
"No please sir" in a trembling voice they'd plead
But I'd just laugh as into death they'd bleed
Oh what jolly fun!

The newspapers will christen me
The curse of Scotland yard
But while their filthy trench coats flap the entire lower class
Will whisper
"Hail the cloaked avenger with his jaws of scarlet red"
While I would not sleep until the last landlord was dead

"I hear the killer struck again
my goodness gracious me"
I suppose the wretched fellow
thinks the poor should live for free"
And while the audiences clap and praise the plays
Of the great Percy Delaney
They'll never guess
No never guess
That it was me!

If I could only be...

Life is a flagon of water
Life is a quart of gin
Stuck in a bubble you oughta
Use that safety pin
I have a terrible feeling
There is a ball and chain
At the end of my rainbow
Here we go again

Words and Music by Frazer Douglas
©2013 The Villa Capri All Rights Reserved

credits

from The Man Who Never Was, released August 1, 2012
Written, arranged and performed by Frazer Douglas
©2013 The Villa Capri All Rights Reserved

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The Villa Capri England, UK

A few years ago one of my musical heros Neil Hannon wrote me a very complimentary letter in which he advised me against over- producing demos - "record companies like to think they've found a diamond in the rough" he wrote. I probably should have listened! These albums are all very different so take your pick, listen and enjoy! The Villa Capri. ... more

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